Luckily, I wasn’t brought up in a neighbourhood where I was given free advice, by all the elders around, right from when I began to understand things. My mother was a pretty cool parent who concentrated on disciplining us and protecting us. She never really made us feel that our main aim in life was to find a partner and get married. At 15, while some of my friends started their married lives, I was still learning about life and having a good time with friends.
Eventually, I found someone to marry and shifted base to India. But, life here turned out to be totally different for me. I found it hard to connect with the lives of many wives. As a woman with a mind of my own, I couldn’t relate to or understand many rules set for many of my married friends. As time went by, I found my tribe and learned a lot of things about this topic from them. And, then I, obviously, had to write it down.
After pondering upon it for years, I finally concluded that these were the 12 rules and regulations for an Indian woman (believe it or not!):
Isn’t marrying before you turn 25 a little too soon? Several women are forced into marriage without their whole-hearted consent before they are 25 years old. When women are single, they have several restrictions that make them want to leave their parents’ home in search of freedom, only to get into another restrictive area of living. While I think marrying late may cause more complications in case you are planning to have kids, being financially stable is also important, don’t you think?
We are always taught that we are the ones who need to make adjustments, compromises and sacrifices. Just like a goat is fed and taken care of before being slaughtered for the festival of sacrifice (Eid-al-Adha), likewise, some of us are elaborately decorated and pampered just before we are sent off to a place where most of our dreams are shattered. It is drilled into our heads that we must sacrifice our aspirations for the well-being of our families. I’m not ambitious (lucky for hubby who is very) so I stay home and keep the balance though I handle everything my way. Perhaps, a few of our goals are unachievable after marriage but do they all have to be crushed? Have any of you felt like your dreams are gone forever? Were you forced to abandon your ambitions?
One of my friends told me that, on her wedding night, she was made to consummate her marriage on a bright white bedsheet to prove to society that she was a virgin. Okay, what’s with informing the world every time the blood comes out of us? (Puberty, Virginity, Delivery)? Remind me again, how was the man’s virginity established?
Once you are married, you are not allowed to take a nap or even sit and read or work whenever you please. You are supposed to be dressed up with bangles and bindi at all times, even if you are unwell. You are supposed to be available for your in-laws and husband whenever they are awake because they may need a glass of water or faint, who knows?
Some parents think that it is a good idea to get their ill-mannered son married to a ‘nice’ woman so that she can discipline him. Don’t we women have our own kids to take care of or more interesting things to do with our lives? Are we rehabilitation centers for their half-done parenting jobs? Even if some of us do succeed in ‘sudrofying‘ (improving behaviour or habits of) our husbands, I dread to think of those who don’t. Are we their partners or parents?
You are supposed to go to sleep when your husband is ready to go to bed. But you have to wake up before everyone in the house (including your husband) so that all the housework is done and dusted and the house is ready to be used and dirtied again. How many of you have the weekends off from this rule?
If by any chance you ask your husband to wash the dishes, the ‘saas’ (mother-in-law) will look at you bewildered because you have sinned by asking her precious son (the man) to do a little housework. Is it written somewhere that men are not supposed to help with any housework, even though it is we who have the manicured nails?
With a ‘pallu’ covering your head, you should serve your man and his family all day. Even if they yell at you, neglect your feelings or make fun of you, you are supposed to respect them as long as you live. Only after your man eats are you supposed to satisfy your hunger. If your man wants to go astray, swallow your pride and accept him the way he is. Also, you should keep your vagina tight and exclusively for him. Oh, and don’t forget to serve him a glass of warm milk for a pleasurable night. So, a question here. Do we serve him milk every night, or only when we are in the mood to have a romantic night? Who decides that?
I have often heard that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I didn’t know that we, Indians, take this very seriously. I definitely wasn’t aware that this included the father-in-law, mother-in-law and all the other in-laws, too. Even though some of us try our best to cook despite our overwhelming culinary skills, the ‘rotis’ are thrown aside if they are a tad bit cool or we are yelled at if we forget to put salt. More than respecting us, I think some people need to be seriously taught to respect the food they get to eat.
This is one awful rule that most of my girlfriends have complained about; Taking permission to go shopping, on a date with the husband or to their parents’ house (maiyka). How can a woman feel at home if she has to get a permit to get out of the house? And why does she need permission to check on her own parents?
In case some of us live in a nuclear family, we can wear whatever we want at home, on the streets or on social media. But, while visiting the in-laws’ house, we should wear a saree whether we are comfortable in it or not. A simple top and jeans, that cover us more than a saree does, WILL NOT DO. Wearing a waist-revealing traditional outfit is a must.
Can we decide the gender of our baby while consummating? Firstly, you are asked to have a child immediately as the in-laws need a boy child for an heir. It doesn’t matter if you are ready or not. After having a child, you will be harassed to give that child a sibling (especially if the first one is a girl). Some people seriously need to grow up!
And, then there is a whole new chapter of rules for during pregnancy and after delivery. While I was pregnant, there were several rules I couldn’t figure out; Don’t sit on the floor, eat foods that will let your child become fair with thick hair on the head, look at pretty baby pictures, eat lots of ghee, you have to have a normal delivery otherwise you are not a real mother, etc. And then rules continue after delivery too; Don’t eat foods you love, eat for two people, pinch the water out of your baby’s nipples, don’t sleep with your husband, don’t sleep while feeding your baby, wake your baby up and feed him, caesarean section is not a real birth, etc. and the list goes on and never ends. Post-Partum Depression is not even on this list though many Indian women go through it.
While many of us follow the above faithfully, the rest of us choose not to. Personally, I believe that a woman should carry out her duties according to her comfort and happiness. She should not be forced to do anything she isn’t ready to do. Even if she is interested in learning certain things that she isn’t good at, she should not be looked down upon or abused mentally or physically for it. After all, we are here to be partners and mothers, not doormats that are stepped on and crushed. We are women and humans too, not slaves who should be treated with disrespect all our lives.
Let’s stand up for ourselves and make this world a better place to live in, for everyone.
What do you think of these rules and regulations? Are you a victim of any of the above rules?
This blog is a part of #LBWP #LetsBlogWithPri Season 2. You can read about 5 lessons we learn from our kids in Hansa’s Blog here and Development Milestones for Toddlers in Disha’s Blog here.
Hosted By : Prisha Lalwani Mummasaurus.com
IG: @mummasauruss
FB: /mummasaurus1
40 Comments
[…] I would be selfish if I don’t share this with you all. this gratitude is to show how we all can grow together by supporting each other. The fight and race to reach the top is anyways done quite wonderfully by animals. The urge to succeed is always there in all of us but keeping the purpose at a higher pedestal we all raise ourselves to be a better version and eventually we grow and succeed together. This blog chain will enter into the third month of this season and would create more awareness of our blogs. I wish all my fellow bloggers to have higher page views and million ideas for content creations. Here is a link to some posts from this week’s blog hop. Three super products from our kitchen to be used as a hair conditioner by Avin on theyellowdaal.com. Five serious life lessons we all can learn from our kids by Hansa on mummatalks.blog. and my favorite is this piece from Cindy about the 12 unsaid rules for women in Indian Society on blogaberry.com […]
This is a great post. The pressure on women is certainly huge. I humbly invite you to my blog hillstudycenter.wordpress.com
I have written a post about India and Ghana. I hope you enjoy reading it.
Thank you Hilda. Will surely come by your blog soon!
I think this is relatable to every Indian woman. And if you have not gotten pregnant in two years then you need turn deaf or listen to way too un-solicited advice from family and even doctors!!!!!
These cringe worthy rules have been a part of the Indian society for the longest time! Things are gradually getting better and many of us might not have been subjected to such rules and regulations. But still in many parts of the country they are thriving! Financial independence is essential for a girl to come out of the clutches of such dogmatic rules!
Ya true. Therefore divorce cases are rising. Women are standing up for themselves and people cannot take it.
Thankfully, I haven’t encountered any of these 12 points in my life or it was just subtle thing here and there..but I made sure to wipe it out before they enlarged! 🙂
Lucky you!!
This post made me smile and cringe both at the same time, indeed these are certain rules laid down for the women of our society which they expect us to follow however times are changing but yes this is still the reality of many and there is a long way to go.
Oh these happen around me! So times are changing very slowly!
Point no 5 is what I here often about. Absolutely frankly put down, this is a great list of rules .
With each point, I was getting disappointed and a bit angry too. Marriage, Virginity test and Pregnancy rules are the bitter truth of our society and we can only eradicate them, with more focus on women Empowerement and education.
I am 22… Just finished my graduation… To be honest, I am so happy to see a post that speaks nothing but the truth! My mom was forced to marry, wasn’t allowed to work because the in laws said that she was there only to have kids and manage the household… She has a masters degree but all her dreams were crushed.. She was having severe dysentery but had to wear saree with pallu because of in laws… I can go on… But these are some reasons that made me hate the whole marriage thing since childhood…
I am happy for people who are happy or have decided to accept the norms, but it’s not for me!
Yes many from the older generation are like that. Suffered innocently under people’s harsh words. All the best to you.
Hi Mrinal, Please Marry when you are really ready. Dont force yourself for what others saying. If you Marry for others wish, you have to suffer, none(relatives) will come forward and sort your problem except your Parents. Kindly sit and talk to your Mom, about your ambition and wish.
Luckily no such rules and regulations are imposed in our families. Our parents treat boys and girls in the same way as we all should know everything
That’s good. Wish all families were like that.
Another one that resonates. I married into a conservative household. I belonged to a liberal family. And everything changed thereafter. All your points bare 💯 true
This is so true.. you have covered all the points so beautifully. There are these set of rules for women but not a single rule for men. That’s how are society is ..
Your post shows a mirror for our society…and this is not limited to only Indian society..we all have gone through it and have deal in our way
These are mostly in the Indian society.
I think that these unwritten rules too need to change with the times. The situation is no longer what it was a generation or two ago. Now both men and women march shoulder to shoulder and share the work, whether it is earning or housework. So if there are any rules, they should apply to both men and women.
Yeah and after following the rules when you are undermined, that’s even worse.
Thankfully I never got subjected to most.. these are blasphemously patriarchal in nature.. simply meant to control and put down women. but personally I condemn them and if at all subjected with any of this, bull shit! I will always stand for myself!
I can so relate to your post and agree your post actually shows a mirror to our society.. I am sharing this with my friends too.
Interesting article and you have articulated very when the restriction that women have to endure in our country. I am surprised to read that girls used to get married as young as when they were in 10th standard what is that about?
That’s the life some girls go through~
You banged with these 12 pointers I think no 4 is really valid, but after 13 years I make sure to take a nap when I wish but then I have to answer so many questions whether I am not well or something else.
Perfect write up. You have talked about all the points here. I follow some of them according to my own wish. But, if anyone force me, I don’t. Lol!
It is hard hitting fact that despite being upwardly mobile , lot of Indian women and households face these challenges of what a proper “bahu” should be !
Woman keeping own point of view towards the world is baffling the people around. If you respect a lady and let her do what she wishes then all these silly things can wait.
Well, I think a lot of things you have pointed here are globally true. It’s just not Indian women, the pressures of married women are same in every culture. You blog throws light on the societal norms but not on the culture, per sé. While I agree with most of them, it’s time that women should start taking a stand for themselves.
Education doesn’t change everything after all not the mindset atleast. Thank fully I can deny most of these things.
People expect women to behave a certain way and I faced some issues as well. However, I was clear as to how I want to live my life and ignored them. Why bother? They don’t give up.
[…] I would be selfish if I don’t share this with you all. this gratitude is to show how we all can grow together by supporting each other. The fight and race to reach the top is anyways done quite wonderfully by animals. The urge to succeed is always there in all of us but keeping the purpose at a higher pedestal we all raise ourselves to be a better version and eventually we grow and succeed together. This blog chain will enter into the third month of this season and would create more awareness of our blogs. I wish all my fellow blogger to have higher page views and million ideas for content creations. Here is a link of some posts from this weeks blog hop. Three super products from our kitchen to be used as hair conditioner by Avin on theyellowdaal.com. Five serious life lessons we all can learn from our kids by Hansa on mummatalks.blog. and my favourite is this piece from Cindy about the 12 unsaid rules for women in Indian Society on blogaberry.com […]
This is bang on true Cindy. Sadly in a well educated world like mine too. This stand true. . I wish when we become the saas it changes for the women of my house, oops not my house women of the house. 😆😆😆😁. Who cares. I want freedom.
I’m definitely trying to live on my own when I’m old and grey. Let’s see if I succeed.
You had said it all. Indeed all these things are present in our culture and so called morden society
Sometimes all these feel so suffocating that women didn’t have a right to live their lives as per their choices.
The sarcasm in your words is ripe. These are points that make me cringe too. To think the advancements in the world around us and to imagine how oppressed some women still live. It’s pathetic and needs change
So true.. You haven’t missed even one. I do follow few but not because someone forces me but I like doing it. I think it’s high time women should stand up for what is right for her.