Hello, new moms! I’m not going to be talking about my thoughts on how to breastfeed or whether my child is growing well or not. For now, I am going to be writing about my innermost feelings as a mother. I’m going to mention those things that not many of you would be comfortable talking about freely. Or perhaps you are not aware why you feel a certain way. But, I’m sure many of you will relate to what I’m saying because these are indeed common feelings of a new mom.
When I became a new mom with no plans of becoming one, firstly I wondered how God could actually put a tiny little piece of flesh in my care and not think twice. I was shocked that my husband would leave us and go to work normally. I was scared to do anything but hold my baby close to my body as much as I could. My mom was there to help me remain sane for the first three months, but after that, all hell broke loose.
Firstly, I doubted that I was the best person to care for a new-born.
I would look at my baby girl and wonder why I found her so uninteresting. What did I really expect her to do? She did not even understand what I was saying. She just lay there all the time looking at me with her innocent eyes. Though I thought she was the most beautiful baby, I was bored and depressed.
Regularly, I would have this sinking feeling that my life was over and I would never do anything productive in life. I would merely be a mother running after her kid, feeding her and looking after her studies till I met my end. I have cried a few nights, in despair, wondering why I wasn’t more ambitious during my teenage years. I wanted to travel back in time and give my 18-year-old self the big Fs.
As a new mom, I had heard a lot about SDS and I was petrified that I would do something wrong and lose my baby. Almost every night, I would poke my baby to check if she was still breathing. Several thoughts cross your mind and you’re thinking of the worst while you are alone.
To top that, my daughter would make weird sounds while she was asleep and I would sometimes lie awake all night wondering if she would do it again. As a new mom, you are generally in panic mode and these little hums and coos in their sleep do not help at all.
When my husband would take her out, I would feel doubtful whether he would take care of her efficiently or just mess up and leave her somewhere absentmindedly. Maybe I watched a lot of television that made me feel this way. It is called the ‘idiot box’ after all.
Lastly, I have to confess that there have been times when I have felt frustration while she continuously cried. I would yell and ask her to please stop. I would cry and want to whack the little thing. But I would just hold her close and cry along with her because I knew we were both new to this. I didn’t know what post-partum depression was until a little before my second pregnancy.
So, during my second pregnancy, I was a smart and confident mom. I knew that I was the best for my son (second born). I was sure that I would bring him up well. I knew that every cry of his wasn’t a warning that he was suffering. And, by then, I had already found my passion and was indulging in my hobbies.
What I learnt, between both my pregnancies, was that it’s natural to cry as a new mother. It’s natural to feel frustrated. As long as you don’t take your anger out on the baby, it’s natural to yell and let it out once in a while. It’s natural to have mixed feelings because the whole phase is new to you. Unless you are with your mom or getting pampered during these initial days, it’s natural to feel alone and depressed.
The secret to staying calm and being positive is to do what you feel is right, not give in to unnecessary advice and breathe deeply when you feel overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Trust me. It always works when you calm yourself down and listen to your inner feelings. Deep down inside you are a wonderful mother and therefore, you are given the gift of birthing as well as loving your child. Take it up as a challenge and ace it!
Can you relate to my feelings? Have you ever felt any of these absurd feelings and sobbed incessantly because you think you are a bad parent? Come on let me know!