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Hello, new moms! I’m not going to be talking about my thoughts on how to breastfeed or whether my child is growing well or not. For now, I am going to be writing about my innermost feelings as a mother. I’m going to mention those things that not many of you would be comfortable talking about freely. Or perhaps you are not aware why you feel a certain way. But, I’m sure many of you will relate to what I’m saying because these are indeed common feelings of a new mom.

When I became a new mom with no plans of becoming one, firstly I wondered how God could actually put a tiny little piece of flesh in my care and not think twice. I was shocked that my husband would leave us and go to work normally. I was scared to do anything but hold my baby close to my body as much as I could. My mom was there to help me remain sane for the first three months, but after that, all hell broke loose.

I would look at my baby girl and wonder why I found her so uninteresting. What did I really expect her to do? She did not even understand what I was saying. She just lay there all the time looking at me with her innocent eyes. Though I thought she was the most beautiful baby, I was bored and depressed.

Swaddling my son like a confident mother

Regularly, I would have this sinking feeling that my life was over and I would never do anything productive in life. I would merely be a mother running after her kid, feeding her and looking after her studies till I met my end. I have cried a few nights wondering why I wasn’t more ambitious during my teenage years. I wanted to travel back in time and give my 18-year-old self the big Fs.

As a new mom, I had heard a lot about SDS and I was petrified that I would do something wrong and lose my baby. Almost every night, I would poke my baby to check if she was still breathing. Several thoughts cross your mind and you’re thinking of the worst while you are alone.

To top that, my daughter would make weird sounds while she was asleep and I would sometimes lie awake all night wondering if she would do it again. As a new mom, you are generally in panic mode and these little hums and coos in their sleep do not help at all.

When my husband would take her out, I would feel doubtful whether he would take care of her efficiently or just mess up and leave her somewhere absentmindedly. Maybe I watched a lot of television that made me feel this way. It is called the ‘idiot box’ after all.

Lastly, I have to confess that there have been times when I have felt frustration while she continuously cried. I would yell and ask her to please stop. I would cry and want to whack the little thing. But I would just hold her close and cry along with her because I knew we were both new to this. I didn’t know what post-partum depression was until a little before my second pregnancy.

So, during my second pregnancy, I was a smart and confident mom. I knew that I was the best for my son (second born). I was sure that I would bring him up well. I knew that every cry of his wasn’t a warning that he was suffering. And, by then, I had already found my passion and was indulging in my hobbies.

What I learnt, between both my pregnancies, was that it’s natural to cry as a new mother. It’s natural to feel frustrated. As long as you don’t take your anger out on the baby, it’s natural to yell and let it out once in a while. It’s natural to have mixed feelings because the whole phase is new to you. Unless you are with your mom or getting pampered during these initial days, it’s natural to feel alone and depressed.

The secret to staying calm and being positive is to do what you feel is right, not give in to unnecessary advice and breathe deeply when you feel overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Trust me. It always works when you calm yourself down and listen to your inner feelings. Deep down inside you are a wonderful mother and therefore, you are given the gift of birthing as well as loving your child. Take it up as a challenge and ace it!

Can you relate to my feelings? Have you ever felt any of these absurd feelings and sobbed incessantly because you think you are a bad parent? Come on let me know!

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Cindy D'Silva
Cindy D'Silva
Cindy D'Silva, besides being a mother of two angels, is a belly dancer, writer and photographer. She loves partying, bowling and eating sushi. There is a detailed biography about her on the ABOUT ME page in case you would like to know more. :) You can like and follow her Facebook page to get all updates on the latest blogs and more: https://www.facebook.com/blogaberry/


  1. Preeti Talwat says:

    I can relate a little as had tough pregnancies, no help and mental torture from in laws. I was enjoying my pregnancy but my in laws created several problems which led to health complications and frustration.

  2. Poonam says:

    I can absolutely relate to this. Every single night was sleepless for the first month. I used to dread nearing the evening. I just couldn’t soothe my baby and wondered what was going wrong? That fear of SIDS is relatable. I still occasionally keep a hand on his chest for his breathing.

  3. Deepa Gandhi says:

    I can relate to so much of this. A s a new mom, it’s not tall easy. There are so many emotions and overwhelming situations that it surely triggers us somewhere.

  4. The honesty with which each word is written is just amazing and it straight comes from the heart and hence touches the heart of the reader. Motherhood is really tough and the truest of emotions have been displayed here. Well done Cindy! Coming back for more for sure.

  5. Kavita Singh says:

    I am so sure there will be so many moms who will relate to these emotions and feelings. I went through postpartum depression without even knowing that it existed and lived in denial until I was in dire need of medical assistance. More and more moms need to understand that talking about this uncomfortable feeling is absolutely normal.

  6. Wow Cindy! You’ve shared your real experience and not all things good kinda fantasy motherhood story. Sleepless nights have been bizarre with my daughter and now with my son. Great blogpost!!

  7. Omg Cindy. This is such a relatable post. Although my pregnancy was planned and it just happened at the right time, I was under a different level of stress where my in-laws would constantly make me feel unwanted along with the child. Luckily, being a South Indian, the first delivery happens at mom’s place. So I was elated when I finally went to my mom’s place 15 days before the due date. I delivered normally and was very happy being a mom, when the PND struck me because of my in-laws who tortured me mentally by saying things like the baby isn’t fair, or by getting visitors at my mom’s place to take a look at the baby. Everyday I struggled, as my MIL wanted me to leave the breastfeeding even when Ayaansh was just a month old. She wanted me to leave him behind and attend social get-togethers and stuff. My FIL would visit us at the wee hours, barging straight into my room saying he want’s to play with his grandson… The list is endless… Just me paranoid and wonder if I will ever be enough for my child or take a stance for him.

    Luckily now, during my second pregnancy, we stay as a nuclear family and Corona has been a blessing in disguise. Maybe, I am the only one hoping for the pandemic to continue a little more for my selfish reason, so that in the next month I can give birth happily and welcome my child with a peace of mind.

  8. Rakhi Parsai says:

    Oh Cindy I can absolutely relate to every word. As a new mum we feel so uncertain about everything and trusting even your own people becomes difficult especially when t comes to the child. I have lived all this and more. Loved how you have written it.

  9. Akanksha Singh says:

    I so relate to every word of this Cindy… Specially the staying awake all night . I used to even hold the leg of my baby while he slept beside me to ensure that if something happens I shall not stay sleeping..🙈

  10. Debdatta says:

    I have heard similar stories from my friend.

  11. Loved it. I can reasonate with every word!

  12. Aditi Kapur says:

    I was overprotective when my first baby was born….so nuch so that I wouldn’t allow my husband or MIL to look after him:D

  13. Yes, you put it very well!! Motherhood is blessing but for the first year it’s quite challenging. #MyFriendAlexa

  14. Good that you can express and connect in the digital platform.. Many are in the same boat..

  15. Tarang says:

    I could relate to it. I don’t think I was depressed but I was really scared. Scared of doing something wrong. Also, as you said, it’s good to follow your instincts and not get carried away by unnecessary advice. It’s a blessing if you have someone thoughtful and caring around you.

    I love my solitude and I hate noise. So, I still need my alone time, otherwise, I get very cranky.

  16. I could relate so much with this post. Being a twin mom, the first year was really challenging. You have beautifully penned it and are being so honest .

  17. yes, this inner feeling every mom has and in second pregnancy I know many things which help me . In first pregnancy my hubby helped me a lot but in second he is less concern.

  18. Mrinal Kiran says:

    Loved reading your post! It is natural to feel frustrated and overwhelmed… Moms are really wonderful… ❤️

  19. Amrit Kaur says:

    Same was the feeling of my bhabhi when my brother used to take their kid outside. She used to worry a lot but its normal i guess.

  20. Siddhi says:

    This resonates. I celebrate 4 years of motherhood today and what you have penned on some level the thoughts are relatable.

  21. Snigdha says:

    Same feelings of every mom. Initially it seems so beautiful and great but later on i also feel frustrated and irritated . You have written beautifully.

  22. Neha Jain says:

    It’s really nice post dear and a mom can understand what a new mom is going through. Their is so many changes in her life and dealing with all is a big challenge that we go through

  23. The emotions of becoming a mother cannot be expressed in words. As you have mentioned, being a mother is a natural process and hence the best thing is to listen to the inner instincts and not be swayed by unnecessary advice.

  24. Judy Morris says:

    oh yes you have aptly written the inner feelings commonly found in a new mom. I feel it is also happens because in this career oriented world we get bogged down by its pressure of missing out on time and also its the weight that bothers a bit.

  25. Ishieta says:

    Oh my, that’s one journey… I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for you in that period I am gland you found the strength to learn lesson and have a better experience with your second pregnancy

  26. Ruchi Verma says:

    I think as a mom for the first time we all go with the same feelings and at times I used to get so much frustrated on small things and regret later!!

  27. Oh yes, every mom feels this way and I certainly did too. It’s ironic that just today I shared my experience with post-partum blues in an interview on Instagram, but I touched on many of the things you have stated here!

  28. Shreemayee Chattoppadhyay says:

    I feel what you are exactly talking about. These may be the inner feelings of each and every moms. Some go through a state of depression at this stage of life.

  29. Harjeet Kaur says:

    My dear..you gave birth in the digital age..I had my son in 1984! A horrendous caesar and excruciating six months after that. Nobody had a clue what was wrong. I just turned 20, had a baby and Post Natal Depression was an alien word! Sheer hell it was. Didnt want to ha e a second child but was coerced into it by my sasuma! I thought been there done that so second shud be a cakewalk! The pregnancy and delivery were fine, I was fine for the first 15 days and then the PND monster struck again. This time my brother had read about it and took me to a psychiatrist. But…but….it became chronic and I have been on medication for almost 25 years now. Weaned off most of them this year by sheer positivity and holistic living. I live alone now since16 years of my husband’s demise and depression when u r alone ..u can imagine how it is. Kids have flown the nest. There is lots more and that would be a saga 🙂

  30. Surbhi says:

    I know exactly what you feel. Being a mother of two kids, I can relate to a lot of your thoughts.

  31. While both my pregnancies were not so tough on me mentally and emotionally maye because I was prepared due to my medical training , parenting definitely left me in tears , there were times I felt very guilty and neglectful but it ‘s comforting to know that we all go through these emotions at some point.

  32. Cindy you have expresses the inner feelings so well. Yes the vacuum of not doing enough for self and baby is huge. And yes second pregnancies are always smooth as by then we know a bit if Motherhood and its features 🙂

  33. Such a relatable post. Motherhood is exhausting yet its satisfying.
    Both my pregnancy experiences were completely different. But handling a new born single-handedly is challenging for first time mom.

  34. Varsh says:

    You’re not alone. I’ve been through all of that and more. I had left my job after my son was born and the loss of financial independence with post-partum depression was a killer combo. We sail through though. Happens with all of us.

  35. Archana says:

    So relatable post, I am sure every mother at some point will find this post as her own story. Even my both pregnancies has given me different taste, I remember when I became mother for the first time, for my baby I left the job happily, but at some point I felt like life is So exciting for everyone on the planet except me, little did I know that it was actually a part of post partem depression, where my family’s support and postivity helped me a lot to come out from that phase.

  36. Alpana Deo says:

    Inner feelings come and go and it is natural to feel happy for no reason and sad for no reason. But not suppressing them is important. Being a new mom is challenging but understanding that it’s natural to feel off on a few days is what makes the whole process manageable.

  37. Yes I had also gone through similar phase after second delivery. I have less than 3 years of age difference in my both girls. When my little one born I felt so overwhelmed with taking care of responsibility of two little kids. But gradually I learn the way to calm down myself. Loved your write up. As usual so honest.

    • Arulmozhi N says:

      I think the first rule of motherhood would be do not doubt yourself. Even for a minute if you are enough for your child. This is a very good read

  38. I think every mom can relate to your post because everyone go through the same emotions of insecurity, frustration, anger however with time, we understand its totally OK to feel this way. I cannot relate to second time pregnancy and the changes but yes, with experience, comes the confidence to handle not just the baby but emotions better.

    • Jyoti Jha says:

      Almost all new moms go through such feelings and phases of emotions. You have jotted them down so well. It is quite helpful for the moms-to-be and new moms! Very informative and relatable post.

  39. SwatiMathur says:

    I can completely relate to all of that. Feeling frustrated, felt like crying but second times things eased out. Love the way you expressed yourself as a mother.

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