I had a couple of conversations months ago, ending with both parties agreeing to disagree. Then a few days ago, on Tweak India, I saw something that made my fingers itch. I needed to jot down my thoughts, my views and my experiences about the same.

In their recent Instagram post, they asked Indian moms about the hardest part of raising kids. I could probably give them one or two reasons why they were facing those struggles and what they could do to make raising their kids less strenuous and more enjoyable. Honestly, I faced these struggles, too, at some point, but I adjusted some things to remove myself from those grappling situations. After all, we are not built to only struggle, suffer or satisfy other people in life, are we?

Our struggles mostly depend on us and a few things around us. So, parenting too does not have to be a struggle. Once we realize the unwanted things that are expected of us, I say that we should eliminate them and stand up for ourselves. When we do this and improve ourselves, we are already on the way to living an almost calm and composed life while also bringing up smart, confident and empathetic human beings.

Don’t believe me? Let’s look at some examples below.

HOW TO MAKE PARENTING A JOURNEY TO REMEMBER

EXAMPLE 1:

One mom said, “Cooking healthy meals for them and then they don’t take a single bite of it”. 

THOUGHTS: Which adult enjoys healthy eating? Does everyone in the house eat those ‘healthy meals’? Does the mom herself have those healthy meals? Or is it taken from the internet and forced upon the child? I’m asking because my kids crave the healthy food I eat. But, they are growing children with a lot of activities, so I give them what everybody eats at home, too: namely steamed rice, ghee rice, spinach-dal, coriander chicken curry, prawn pulav, egg curry with dill leaves, pork curry, carrot-beetroot pulav, mince macaroni rarely, etc.

Some people take all the healthy ingredients, make them into rotis and fry them in oil. I don’t believe they come under ‘healthy food’, do they?

FACT: Five minutes ago, my son asked for boiled rice and lettuce. While I wanted him to also have the egg curry made at home, I thought that boiled rice was a little better than steamed rice and lettuce was better than any fried item he could ask for. So, why not give him what he wanted? Both of us were happy.

TIP: We need to talk to our kids and find out what they like to eat. Explain to them about the consequences of eating junk food every day. We must avoid treating them to junk regularly, but also avoid keeping junk completely away. We have junk food once every two weeks or when we are at a big get-together. Another suggestion would be to try including healthy foods in our dishes for everybody at home so we don’t need to cook separately for the kids.

Read here – What is junk food? And what are the junk foods in India?

EXAMPLE 2:

Another mom said, “When their behaviour is blamed on your upbringing, even though you’re trying your best”.

THOUGHTS: I know all of us try our best. But, are you being enough of a mean mom to discipline your kids and let them know who the parent is here? OR are you afraid of your kids? Afraid they may hate you? I discipline my kids but I also hug them, cuddle them and explain to them why they should or shouldn’t do certain things.

FACT: A mom recently told me that the school her child was in was ‘spoiling’ him. My kids go to the same school. Instead of explaining to them why they need not possess such things and that every family is different, we tend to give our kids whatever they want because ‘other kids have it’, we are busy or want to avoid an argument. Is that the school’s fault or ours as parents?

TIP: Firstly, we need some patience. We need to take time and explain to our kids why they don’t need the things they are asking for. Just because someone has an expensive pencil box, doesn’t mean that our kids need to have them, too. It’s only ego and a waste of money, not to mention that they may outgrow them soon. Another suggestion would be to let them earn those expensive items by carrying out their responsibilities or doing chores that may let them earn some money (the right way, of course). Besides basic manners, our children need to learn the value of things, what is right and the difference between wants and needs.

EXAMPLE 3:

Another mom said, “Looking after your sick child when you are also unwell”.

THOUGHTS: Seriously, this only shows that the husband or partner’s upbringing is questionable, don’t you think?

FACT: Once a friend came to a party. On asking where his wife was, we were told that she ‘had to be at home’ because his parents were unwell. I almost punched him. If your parents are unwell, why are you not taking care of them instead of putting your wife on the job? If he was busy with work, I would understand. But the wife was already taking care of their young kid, other chores and the house. Was it her job to be with his parents and miss having some time out with friends? Currently, they stay away from his parents. A nurse is appointed for their care. Wouldn’t it have been better if someone was appointed to care for the ailing parent while they were living together so that the parents were with them and nobody was burdened with responsibilities?

TIP: Remember, when you are unwell, you need rest. Talk to your partner. Share responsibilities that include taking care of your child even when they are well. Marriage is a pact where we must share almost everything and also create a balance to maintain peace. Trust me, you will enjoy being a parent and your children will respect you more. In the meantime, your children will also learn a thing or two about responsibilities and caring for their loved ones, especially when unwell.

EXAMPLE 4:

Another mom said, “Managing your emotional stress so that they are not affected by it”.

THOUGHTS: Personally, I respect parents who keep their emotional stress away from their kids as compared to those who burden their kids with emotions that the kids would not understand. Here we need to learn to handle ourselves. Our kids can, knowingly or unknowingly, feel our pain!

FACT: Only last week I was irritated with my husband and wanted to tell my daughter what an annoying person he was. She is 12. She is my daughter, but I don’t think she’s equipped to understand the emotions of a 40+ year-old married woman’s relationship with her father now, is she?

TIP: Firstly, try to get a hold of your negative emotions and learn to channelize them in a better way. Once we understand how to handle our emotions; chores, parenting and life will automatically become easier to manage.

EXAMPLE 5:

Another mom said, “Constantly thinking about how their friends will influence the kind of person they will become in the future”.

THOUGHTS: Why are we overthinking? Will our worries change the future or stress us out more? Do friends really influence our kids if we guide our kids properly?

FACT: There was a couple that seemed quite decent in public while their twin boys were people no one wanted to go near because they would trouble them, play harsh pranks and harass girls. It was all blamed on the ‘company they kept’. One of the friends from the ‘company they kept’ went and complained to the police about their wrongdoings because he wasn’t able to handle the horrid things the twins would do to the girls. 

In reality, the twins’ parents were doing well, did not have time for their kids and left them alone all day (and idle mind is a devil’s workshop). So, here were the friends influencing the kind of person they were turning into or was it the parents’ upbringing (or absence) that had a hand in that?

TIP: Most of the time, our kids follow in our footsteps even if they seem to go astray for a while. Spending time with our kids is very important. Instilling in them the right values is even more important. Reminding them every now and then about what is right and what is wrong is extremely vital. Our babies are our flesh and blood. No one can influence them if we influence them first.

EXAMPLE 6:

In yet another post, a mom said, “My kid is a bully and I don’t know what to do”!

THOUGHTS: How are bullies born? Do they learn to bully in the womb? Nope! They are innocent creatures that we are moulding. So, how do they turn into bullies?

FACT: A couple of years ago my son was being bullied by a big classmate. I explained to my son why his classmate could be bullying him. Now they are good friends.

TIP: Kids copy their parents. Also, if we are too strict with them and don’t explain to them why they shouldn’t do things or should do things, they may try to show their power outside the house by bullying vulnerable kids. Instead, we can try to help our kids with a positive approach, whether they are the victims or the ones bullying others. Our kids only want us to talk to them, understand them and spend quality time with them.

Parenting is not a piece of cake, but it doesn’t have to be that hard either. They are our kids after all. Their behaviour, emotions, actions, etc. all depend on how we handle them. Besides compassion, parenting does need time, effort and mindfulness to do it well. We need to better ourselves in order to contribute to a better future. Only then can we make life, marriage and parenting a journey to remember.

This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla.

_{Photo by olia danilevich}