5 TRAITS TO PERCEIVE BEFORE YOU SHARE YOUR SECRETS WITH HER/HIM
Have you recently told someone your deepest darkest secret and continuously wondered if they would tell anyone about it? Or maybe you expressed your worries to a friend but still felt anxious? Did you take for granted that telling your best friend your woes would make you feel better but you felt just the same as you did before confiding in them? This is because only venting does not always help you find relief. The confidant plays a big role here. Your confidant could be your best friend, an acquaintance or a childhood friend you’ve known for ages. When it comes to confiding, there are a few traits you would want to perceive about that person before you share your secrets with them and feel relaxed or good about it.
When you feel that you need to share your woes with someone, it would help to understand your confidant’s traits before you do. Of course, you need to feel comfortable with the person, too, but here are some traits that they need to have:
Assess whether your confidant has been attentive in the past. Distracted listeners can just put you off or let you down. They may make you feel that you were better off not talking about yourself. A good listener will not preoccupy themselves with other work or look into their mobile phone, which could lead you to believe that you’re wasting their time. Your confidant should be able to look you in the eye and confirm in some way that they are attentively listening to you.
When you’re in pain, and want to take a whole burden off your shoulders, your confidant should hear you out without interrupting. Think about the way they behave on a casual day. Do they interrupt a conversation often? Your confidant should not just say things to sympathize with you and then immediately continue to talk about themselves or their similar situations. Your confidant should stay focused on your painful experiences leaving aside their own.
When you’re upset and looking for empathy, you need someone who will listen to what you have to say and acknowledge your feelings at least for that moment; when you really need it. Your confidant should not let you feel that the other side, if any, makes more sense than you do. Your confidant should avoid talking negatively about how you feel and be supportive instead. Perhaps a genuine hug, smile or merely the words ‘I understand’ can help make you feel slightly better.
Your confidant should have the ability to express their perceptions once you’re done talking. Being supportive is very helpful. But having a confidant who will give you an understanding of why you feel a certain way can have a positive impact on your mental health. Besides seeing things from your point of view, it would help if your confidant is able to assist you in understanding your emotions or seeing the brighter side of things.
And the most important question you need to ask yourself; do you trust your confidant? Do you believe that they will not divulge your secrets to anyone else? Look back and think if you have heard personal details about another from them. If that’s the case, your confidant is sure to talk behind your back, too. So, find a confidant whom you can trust to keep your secrets and respect your privacy; or just don’t share your secrets with anyone until do.
After I recently confided in a friend, I realized that I had never felt this good about confiding in someone because I always tried confiding in people I thought I had to due to my close relationships with them. But later I understood that besides being loyal, I needed someone to attentively listen to what I had to say, not merely keep their ears open. I needed someone to look at me and understand why I felt that way. I needed someone to make me feel that I wasn’t wasting their time. I needed someone to tell me that my feelings were natural and slowly but surely everything would be okay. I needed a hug, a comforting smile and a true confidant.
So, next time you want to confide in someone, check who fits the above criteria and you will be surprised at the way you feel after sharing your secrets with them. If you’re already close to a person with the above traits, you’re blessed.
Do you think a confidant needs to have any more traits than listed above before you share your secrets with them?
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43 Comments
I agree with you – it’s so important to have a confidant in the hustle bustle of daily life. They often act as the beacon that helps us face so many problems.
I have been reading the book “8 Rules of Love” by Jay Shetty and it talks about these things and many more. One must be very mindful about the information or past events while sharing with anyone even if it’s our partner.
True, Trinanjana, just because its our partner, does not mean they are the ones we should share everything with. Glad to know that I’m writing almost like Jay Shetty. Hahaha!
Indeed, sharing secrets especially those very dark ones are hard to let go. Finding the right people to confide with is an ultimate task. Going along without sharing though feels like having heavy inside you always. Sharing doesn’t need to be with a handful of people, just being able to find one is a blessing already.
Very true, Jeannine!
I am more of a listener than a sharer. Find it quite difficult to open up unless it is a very close friend. There are many who listen but very few help in understanding the why. Those are really precious.
Nice to be a listener, too, Ritu.
I feel its very important to have trust and confidence before you open up to anyone. These points are spot on to consider.
Thanks, Karen.
I have taken PhD in sharing secrets with traitors. They either tell it to Eveyone or use it against me. Now I am so weary about sharing secrets
Hmmmm, think about the above before you share next time, Rakhi. See how it works.
What an interesting topic to write about, Cindy. I agree with your points and I also feel that above all this the person should not judge you or belittle your emotions. Waise, I don’t trust anyone with my secrets 🙂
Yeah you should be comfortable with the person, but if you can handle it, it’s good to forget your secrets and live happily. Instead of sharing them to feel better.
Should share this post with young girls, especially college girlies who are in a relationship or contemplating to be in one. Whole loyalty is definitely the biggest pre requisite , the emotional aspects shouldn’t be overlooked either .
True, Mandira!
What I come to understand finding a person to share our secrets is as hard. Because with time people change. Lucky are those who have such trust worthy people.
I have trust issues so it takes me a very long time to trust anyone. Yes the list is accurate but still for the last one, I’d say how would you know that even after years someone wont backstab you with your secrets.
It’s just the way they are. Won’t do it if they are like that.
Your every point is true. We are human being and some time with emotions we did such mistakes. I saw many of teenagers now days revealing their secret too soon. Without knowing the person. You have at least one person in your life with whom you are comfortable.
Cindy, your post makes perfect logic. This list of confident qualities is spot on! Being a good listener, avoiding interruptions, and expressing emotional empathy are all important. I’ve learned to be cautious about trust and not overshare. I’m fortunate to have both an older and younger sister with whom I can share anything, always receive their support, and always be there for them.
You are one of the lucky ones then, Anjali!
There are very few friends I confide in that too depends on the subject and to what extent but I have several friends who confide in me amd tell me everything and call and share regularly. Unknowingly I am like their coach.
I can’t think of any other trait that is missing from your list Cindy, just that I don’t like to share stuff with people who are pliant and get carried away easily.
True, Kaveri, we should be careful with whom we share or don’t share at all if we can handle it.
One indeed needs to have a partner with all these caz they are important especially when u are lost they are the ones who can help you find urself.
True, Flavia!
Betrayal is such a hidden emotion and you never know when someone becomes a traitor. I would like a good listener and supporter around me for sure, it would be a happy person to have around. We need to observe a lot before letting anyone into our lives.
Yes, Ambica!
You covered it all, Cindy. Having an understanding listener who we can trust with our secrets is so important. Also, I would suggest that we shouldn’t let a person’s gender affect our equation with them.
Of course, there are guys who’ve shared with me, too. Gender doesn’t matter, for sure.
Interruptions can be so frustrating, especially when I’m pouring my heart out. It’s vital for my confidant to let me express myself without interruptions.
Right, Felicia!
Very true. I tend to trust easily and get carried away. I am trying to keep quiet and not share anything. I am a great listener too. Have been counseling so many people with my 39 years of battling it
That’s awesome, Harjeet!
We need to be very careful who we are sharing our secrets with. Some people find it difficult to not talk about them. It is best to keep them to ourselves.
Yes, Madhu, but sometimes you just need to get it out!
Hey Cindy the traits that you shared here are no doubt worthy but finding one with all those are difficult to find these days. I have some very good opposite examples in my neighbourhood whom you cant ignore nor can accept from heart just because of their traitor feature. They will show you the emotional support in your weakest moments to know your pain and secrets with a promise never to share the same with anyone and will end up sharing with all without letting you know. One fine morning you will get to learn everyone knows about it. In weak moments when you are in earnest need of a shoulder they will listen to you with patience, give shoulder to cry, will give lessons on how to overcome, will pamper you to make you feel how caring they are and later at the back will do bitching. I honestly feel negative vibes when they are close to me but as I said when they are your immediate neighbours you cannot ignore them as you need to live in the society. If you ask me if I have an example of atleast 1 such person person who can fit in the category with whom I can share my secret… I will say none other than my better half. The world is very selfish and the we all are in danger due to lack of faith in each other.
Most neighbours chat as they need gossip, Samata. So be aware and trust your instincts. Somethings you cannot tell all the better halves, but if you can tell them anything, you’re blessed.
True.
Its important to make sure that you open up to the right person.
It is tough to live with secrets and sometimes unburdening can come as a great relief but one really has to be cued in if one is sharing with the right person. Indeed, all the traits that you shared are also the traits of a good counselor or psychotherapist.
I am an interrupter I am told. My listening skills were poor. Off late I had few of my friends going through something in life and they were on phone constantly sharing their issues. I trained myself to listen. Somedays i fail, I get distracted, but i am making conscious efforts.
That’s a great effort put in by you, Rose. Keep it up!
Secrets are best kept unshared. Confessional is probably the only good place for them.
Personally I’ve never approached a confessional in the last 3 decades. But I have no secrets worth whispering either.
Hahaha, that’s a simple life you’re living for sure, T.