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MY JOURNEY TO BEING AN SAHM!

It all began when a decision was made, that my husband and I were to leave the country I’ve been moulded in to a country I barely knew. The latter being my native! 1st August 2011 was the day I set foot into a new life leaving behind my Mother, Brother and Doggy! I would now be a totally dependent house-wife with no family or friends of my own until I started working. I felt all alone! I was already homesick at home, so, I drank 5 shots of vodka to drown my sorrows and of course, to toast a new beginning! But, life was still slow and to make matters worse, a month later, my Doggy died of depression and I continued sobbing even more every night! She was my first baby and I regretted not getting her along with me. But, sometimes, life is unfair.

I decided to take a 3 month work-break. After all, I’ve been working ever since I finished school. I looked for jobs just to get into the groove so I’m ready after 3 months. Towards the end of October, we were done with our thrice-a-week dance class and went to attend an out-of-town weekend wedding. I had an amazing time with very good friends, a time I will cherish for a long time!

I felt my life taking a different turn when a hesitant pregnancy test showed positive. I could not digest it. We visited the gynaecologist and scan center and by the first week of December, they confirmed that I had completed my first trimester since I had conceived around 20thSeptember. My heart stopped! Not only did I realise I spent by first trimester running, jumping, playing badminton, dancing and travelling by road but also that I had conceived the day my Doggy passed away! As they say, everything happened for a reason! I believed that God wanted my baby to be by my side and therefore, allowed this to happen the way it did. Suddenly, I found myself smiling! I was relaxed! I barely missed my Doggy now becasue I knew she was coming back to me!

The baby’s outer shell was formed and by mid-December we heard the first heartbeats. That’s when it hit me! There was something actually growing inside of me! I still did not feel ‘motherly’, as the traditions have forced us to believe we should but I did take good care of myself and my ardent husband paid for it!! After all, my baby was coming back!

In my last trimester, we went on a couple of roads trips yet again, being very careful along the way! My Mother communicated with me every single day as she feared the worst. I had never lived alone and with my husband’s long working hours, there I was, taking care of one-and-half of us all by myself!

The few hours before delivery were painful, a pain I had never experienced in my life! Besides the embarrassing moments no one ever talked about, the pain was dreadful. Ironically, to minimize the agony of the contractions, a gel was injected into my spinal cord which was even more tormenting! All said and done, due to a few last minute complications, my baby girl was born fifteen minutes after I entered the operation theatre.  I saw my doll with her eyes wide open and kissed her. I saw my husband and got emotional as we were both overjoyed with the news! And then, overcome with exhaustion, I was out cold!

The pains still lingered when we got home. I wondered how any woman went through this more than once. Was it something they enjoyed feeling? I looked down at my doll and giggled every time someone asked how my ‘daughter’ was. I was given something new here. A daughter! A tiny lump of flesh I had to take care of for the rest of my life. Innocent eyes that could not see me! She had a long way to go! She had to live every part of life I had already lived. She had to meet people, sing, dance, go to school, be a star at college, and go to work and more.  All of a sudden, I felt old and depressed!

The depression did not last as long as the pains did as I began enjoying the little milestones she reached every day. And then, I decided I did not want a nanny to take care of her. I wanted to stay home and do it all myself! That is when I suddenly turned into an SAHM! Never in a million years did I ever imagine myself in this role! But then, life is unpredictable and that’s why, very interesting! My friends were totally baffled with this decision of mine. A few thought it was the forceful decision of the man of the house until I cleared their doubts! They wondered how a crazy, social party animal, who was out of the house almost 15 hours of the day, would suddenly stay at home 24/7. The most surprised was my husband who prayed my decision wouldn’t prove to be torturing to him. It was a drastic change in my life but maybe Motherhood changes you for the better and of course, teaches you a lot!

The very first lesson it taught me, through this experience, is very well described in a quote by Patrick Overton who says, “When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.”

So, now I call myself an independent stay at home mom as I handle the house, manage the babies, run outdoor errands, pay the bills and also travel alone with the little one locally, nationally and internationally! Of course, all this under the funding by my darling husband! 😉

Cindy D'Silva
Cindy D'Silva
Cindy D'Silva, a belly dancer, writer and artist, besides being a mother of two. She loves partying, bowling and eating sushi. There is more about her on the ABOUT ME page. Do check it out! :) Do like the facebook page too: https://www.facebook.com/blogaberry/

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